The Five of Cups on grief

Honoring what’s gone, what never (really) was, and what never will be (again)

Although I believe every card can have different messages in different situations, at least one of the Five of Cups’ concerns grief. Something we all deal with, even if we don’t realize it.

You don’t have to lose a loved one or a relationship to experience grief. It can also be the loss of a particular connection - when a friend moves away or enters a different phase of life - it can be a loss of health or youth, a relationship or family dynamic that never (really) was, or a career that will stay a dream forever.

The three fallen cups represent the three types of loss:

• What was and is now gone

• What never happened/was/came to be

• What will never be (again)

Of course, we all know the loss of having something and then losing it. But the moment we lose it, two other types of loss come knocking on our door, too. The loss of everything you thought would be, plus, more often than not: the loss of something that never was, or was already gone for quite some time.

Three personal examples

to explain these lesser known (and talked about) kinds of losses:

1. Losing my healthy body at a very young age

I deal with quite some health issues, the worst of which started when I was 10 years old (a little over 20 years ago).
Losing my strong, pain-free body happened so early on in life, and also over such a long period of time, in many different stages, that the loss of what I had wasn’t as apparent for me. But I still mourn all the lives I’ll never live and the experiences I didn’t have (especially during my teens) and will never get back.

The Five of Cups from the Tarot of the Abyss

2. Losing my grandma while we weren’t talking

When my grandma died, I hadn’t spoken with her in two years, and that meant that her death didn’t really have an impact on my daily life, but still I experienced so much grief. The loss of the relationship that never was only now really settled in my being. And of course, the realization that I’ll never have the chance to reconnect with her again.

3. Growing up without a dad

I grew up without a dad, so I never lost him. But, as a young girl, I did feel the pain of seeing ‘‘whole’’ families and being on the outside of that, feeling as if I didn’t belong. I did not lose anything, but there still was this loss of something that never was and never would be.

Your permission slip to grieve

In these kinds of situations, when your daily life doesn’t seem to change that drastically or suddenly because of a loss, or when it happens over time, we often have a hard time permitting ourselves to experience grief - to look at what hurts, and be with it.

I hope this post may serve as your permission slip to be with any type of loss you might be experiencing. Because giving enough time, energy and attention to the three fallen cups, is how we enable ourselves to turn around and notice those two cups still standing.

In most cases, this is what happens naturally when all three types of loss are honored. Letting it in, acknowledging it, making space for it - after a while, this allows for us to look around and really see:

The two cups that are still standing

• What was, is, and always will be, through it all

• The new lives or perspectives this loss opened you up to

Even though I would give anything to have a more normal, pain-free body, I’m also very aware of how not having it forced me to look at different career paths, which made me discover my passion for writing.

Plus, I learned to appreciate the thing that’s always there, no matter what my body goes through: who I am - the way I think and feel and love and care. I would have never connected with all that I am so deeply, if I hadn’t lost so much so early on.

Losing my grandma also opened me up to the love I had for her, the warmth she had infected me with, how she taught me to enjoy life.

And, losing her changed my perspective on the evolution of a relationship with a family member. It showed me that when it isn’t healthy anymore and you make the tough decision to break off contact with them, that does not discredit the whole relationship. The bad stuff, even if it outweighs it, doesn’t make the good stuff disappear. And we’re allowed to feel and acknowledge all of it.

We all lose, we all grieve

• The energy we once had

• The deep connections we cherished

• The freedom or flexibility we had

• The relationships that changed (even if it was for the better)

• The distance that grew (literally or figuratively)

• The things that didn’t happened and we can never get back

In the movies, when you’re 30, someone throws you the prom you missed when you were in school. But in real life, even if such a magical thing happens, you’ll always have lost that specific experience, and it’s okay to feel that loss. It doesn’t take anything away from everything you do have right now; it probably just makes you appreciate it all even more.