Increasing your sense of belonging with the 3 of Cups

A simple but pretty empowering practice

During my daily yoga practice, I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy (yup, fully enlightened Zen master over here 🙋🏻‍♀️) and it was just riddled with 3 of Cups energy. All the characters were struggling with their sense of belonging – to someone, to a group of people, to their job, to a good life, to love, to themselves.
And it reminded me of something I already knew, but had lost sight of: Belonging is all about perspective. And that’s great news, because your perspective is something you can influence. 💃🏻

First, what do I mean when I’m talking about (our sense of) belonging? Well, since it’s required by law to quote Brené Brown whenever you mention belonging, I’ll let her explain:

‘‘Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.’’

Also:

‘‘We can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people (…).’’

Now that we know that, here’s another Brené Brown quote that I turned into a personal practice to increase my general sense of belonging:

‘‘Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong. You will always find it because you've made that your mission. Stop scouring people's faces for evidence that you're not enough. You will always find it because you've made that your goal.’’

As humans we (unintentionally) look for confirmation of the beliefs we already have, not the beliefs we want to have. As my upbringing has installed a pretty clear ‘you shouldn’t be here’ in me - quite the opposite of ‘you belong’ 😬 - I’ve always automatically looked for disapproval and disappointment in the eyes and voices of others.

When I read this, I had already been a self-help junkie for many years, so I knew one thing for sure: You can’t change your beliefs, you can’t change your thoughts, you can’t change your feelings, you can only change your actions and move the spotlight of your attention.

So the practice I had started a while back (and in the mean time had forgotten about) was suddenly on top of mind again, thanks to this Grey’s Anatomy episode (S02E09 by the way 😉). Two weeks later, I was really glad that it was.

Here’s what happened, what I did, what changed, and what I would very much recommend to anyone struggling with their sense of belonging:

What happened

My boyfriend and his friend were at this festival and messaged me that I was welcome to join them. When I arrived, I couldn’t find them (right away) and they didn’t answer their phones, which apparently was enough to launch the first stage of ‘I don’t belong’ mode – let’s just say I was anything but at my best at that time and triggers were just e-very-where. 😭

When I finally did find them, they seemed a bit out of it and conversation was anything but flowing. It was clear: They didn’t want me there.

I decided to grab some drinks to regroup and on my way over I realized the lens I was looking at the world through, because everyone looked at me like I was weird and shouldn’t be there, shouldn’t be taking up space, preferably not even breathing the air – it was in the way people laughed, moved, whispered, cheersed, danced, sighed, everything.

What I did

Because I had practiced noticing this ‘I don’t belong’ mode before, I pretty quickly caught my mind going there, so I grabbed its hand and gently led it back to the here and now, where I was able to choose another lens.
And yes, that’s actually the whole practice. Deciding which belief you want to have and choosing to wear that lens, as a kind of hypothesis - the hypothesis that you do belong, you are enough and it is very okay that you’re here.

What changed

Right away, I found evidence supporting this hypothesis.

Behind the same smile I now saw an attempt to connect instead of judgement. Behind the same look I now saw our shared humanity instead of rejection. The exact same body language suddenly signalled the acceptance of my presence instead of dismissal. Because I chose a different lens, a different perspective.

This simple focus shift had made all the difference; I could breathe again and come back to my okayness.

When you do this, by the way, you not only start to see everything and everyone in a different light, you also become more approachable yourself, because your whole being has softened and opened up.
So you’ll notice it more and more people will reach out to connect with you – so you’ll get double the confirmation that you actually do belong.

By the time I got back to the guys, I had already started feeling like maybe it was somewhat okay for me to be there, so I dared to ask: ‘‘Hey, it feels like I’ve interrupted something, and I just want to check in with you guys. Did I?’’ And their answer was clear and simple: ‘‘We were just at a pretty thought-provoking show, we freshly walked out when you found us.’’

Yup, it had nothing to do with me. Of course it didn’t.

But by sharing my experience and checking in with them, I fully stepped into the present moment again. And it’s when you’re present that you’re able to truly connect with and be your authentic self - the one thing indispensable to the feeling of belonging.

3 of Cups from The Light Seer’s Tarot

It’s not a problem to reflexively translate tones of voice and body language into evidence of (the real) you not being welcome or accepted.
You can’t change the beliefs your life experiences have installed in you.
But you can choose your lens, your hypothesis, you can shift your perspective, and with that, show yourself how much you do belong. 💛